


Universe's Due

by MizuKai (MizuPhoenix)



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-19
Updated: 2012-03-19
Packaged: 2019-04-14 17:52:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14141337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MizuPhoenix/pseuds/MizuKai
Summary: Jane Shepard is going insane watching Joker romance EDI. This is a look into her decline in sanity and the due the Universe owe's her and the love of her life. My answer to Bioware's Faux Pas. Shoker, with very trace hints of JoDI. Crack Rage Fic. Orginally posted on FF.net





	Universe's Due

**Author's Note:**

> No amount of ranting and bitching can change what is. So instead with creative license, too much caffeine, lack of sleep, rage, and a sense of vengeance for the let down I present my own solution to Bioware's epic failure concerning the desires of it's fans and oh so obvious insult to it's own followers. A not so subtle hint that we social rejects and failures of society and it's social norms can only find love in a computer program and not seek out love in human form is really not something to keep a fan base. FYI insulting your customers is not profitable Bioware for the future. Oh well Fanfiction is to correct where the original maker's screwed up. OOC, insanity, and my own plethora of not so subtle hints are to ensue. You are all warned, this is a ragey, ranty, crack fic. Let me know if you enjoyed this even half as much as I did writing it. In truth this was really cathartic.
> 
> Disclaimer: Sadly I do not own the rights to the Mass Effect Canon Universe or it's characters. Nor any other references I may make, Futurama being one of them. Otherwise EDI would forever be a sphere. Joker would be a LI, and their obviously epic love story would have been freaking amazing in my headcanon. Aside from Garrus, because at least we got that romance.

_In an alternate dimension without military reds, I would rock your world._ That line was now the most loathsome string of words she had ever heard.

Jane Shepard watched with barely concealed anger while the fembot hung all over _her_ Joker. He was _her_ pilot well before that tin can _ever_ came into their lives. The shiny metallic AI horded all of Joker's time now, and Shepard was slowly losing grip on her sanity. There were just somethings that a woman of her caliber could not tolerate. _A platonic symbiosis my cybernetic enhancements. I ought to take you on a mission and toss your shiny metal ass into a Volcano._

Garrus and Tali, ever present on ground missions, became ever more terrified of their Commander's need for violence. The cool and level headed commander was becoming more and more like Jack with each passing mission. No longer did Shepard fight like her life mattered, she ran headfirst into battle firing like a crazed Krogan and throwing grenades at _anything_ that even remotely resembled a computer.

Tali winced when Shepard encountered a VI and without warning pulled out a shotgun and pumped the wall behind, and through the holo, with massive amounts of lead coated in corrosive agents. Garrus moved to stop the raging woman, but Tali held her lover back. The screaming of obscenities in Japanese stunned the pair and all who heard Jane Shepard over the com.

"It is almost like Kasumi and Jack have integrated with Shepard." Garrus had whispered, a mix of humor and horror laced in his voice.

"The humans say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Tali replied sagely, knowing full well what Shepard was attempting to deal with.

"Truly the cosmos made a very large faux pas. I wonder if Shepard will truly be able to come to terms with this." Garrus replied grimacing as Shepard detonated another grenade at the poor VI.

The return to the ship had been met with wary crew members giving the _smiling_ Commander a very wide birth. Her lips curled in a way that would have made the Illusive Man wet himself.

It soon became apparent asking Jane Shepard if she was alright was a _very_ bad idea. Kaidan Alenko, was in traction for a month after posing said question. No one besides Garrus and Tali would even approach the violent woman.

Another incident set Shepard's fraying mentality spiraling further down the path of destruction. "Commander there is a distress beacon coming from Mars, it sounds urgent." Joker had relayed to the woman as she stood before the Galaxy map.

Five minutes of silence met his remark. Joker pressed onward. "Commander did you-"

"I heard. Pilot." Her hissed words interrupted him.

"Should I set a course for Mars?" He asked tentatively. He had a very good inkling as to his Commander's ever present 'fuck the universe' mood.

More silence met his remark. EDI decided it was a good time to voice her opinion. "I would very much like to lend aid, it is where my new body was recovered. I feel, as it is human custom, to repay that debt."

Commander Jane Shepard shook with fury. "I bet you would."

"Commander?" Joker pressed, intending to ignore the fury rolling around the bridge.

"We have more pressing matters to attend to than a rescue mission to a planet so close to the Alliance Headquaters. If I never set foot on that red ball of shit it will be too soon. Let's go to Supey, I think we need to scour the planet for minerals. A much more worthy task." Shepard bit out.

Shepard continued to secretly watch Joker romance his computer program in a metal body with unbridled rage. Once she almost pushed the stupid AI out of the airlock. She really wanted to, Joker was in the bathroom. And really Liara could hold the vacuum of space at bay with her Biotics for the hour it would take to reach a nearby fueling station. Garrus had stopped the, in her own mind, justified act before she could initiate it.

Jane Shepard had long since lost her mind, and when all was said and done as she was looking at the child before her asking her what she wanted to do to end the whole fucking mess she smiled. She knelt next to the mass taking the sudo guise of a child and placed her hand over its holo head.

"You are telling me I can wipe out all synthetic life. Does that include AI?" Shepard nearly danced with glee. "AI inside of synthetic robot bodies?"

The child nodded. "Yes, why?"

"Oh no reason little one. No reason what so ever. Just a mild curiosity." She purred as she stood and crossed her arms over her chest.

"What is your desire then?" The child asked her plainly.

"Do it, destroy all synthetic life. No matter the cost. I think that will be a sufficient end to the long and drawn out let down of my existence." Shepard replied.

"You are aware this will cost you your life?" The child pressed sensing her rather selfish intent.

"Oh I am well aware. I just figure I'd give a final ' **f u** ' to a certain someone who deserves it. In the end it saves all the races and ends this massive shit storm effectively. If I have to die no matter what I should at least die knowing something comes out of it for me." Shepard reasoned.

"I am sorry." The child sighed. "I had no idea the universe had wronged it's Hero so blatantly."

"At least they gave a girl the option of ultimate revenge. Somewhere in another life in another dimension I am sure I'm very happy, or will be." Shepard replied. "Now, let's blow that fake mechanical bimbo and the Reapers to hell!" She shouted as she ran off to complete her destiny.

On board the Normandy EDI had a feeling. Something was very wrong. She looked over to Joker and announced her feeling. "Jeff, I suddenly feel as if the world is ending and the universe is righting itself. Should I be concerned?"

Joker looked at his personal sex bot and shrugged. "I bet Shepard is just running off to destroy the Reapers."

A sudden voice over the com cackled insanely. "Guess what EDI I'm paying back my debt to you for stealing away the man I love. Pay back is a bitch. In another dimension I'll be sure to delete your programming the second I get the chance!"

###### 

Jane Shepard glanced around herself. She held her head in her hands and tried to discern where her mind came up with the ideas formed to explain how her day dream turned into a nightmare.

"Shepard?" Joker pressed beside her, the dim lighting of the bar accenting his handsome features.

Seeing they were in Purgatory she groaned. "Joker, I am going to ask you something highly inappropriate and not care."

"No I am not dancing with you Shepard." He smirked over at her and shook his drink. "I'm not nearly drunk enough to risk that yet."

"Have you ever considered me as a love interest?" She asked bluntly as she eyed her pilot.

"Have I ever considered? Shepard who the hell has _not_ considered that? Seriously I see five guys considering it now, and at least two, no wait three females. You are not seriously doubting your own desirability?" He asked her with a hint of sarcasm laced in his tone. "That Biotic over there has been wearing down his teeth at the fact that I'm here with you. I can tell, he's getting desperate in his macho posturing. I doubt he can fathom a cripple with ' _the_ Jane Shepard.'"

"No, I'm just wondering where your desire lays." She replied with a smirk. "You watch enough Asari porn to make a girl wonder." Shepard looked around the bar. "I don't see what you're talking about, Bio, where?"

Joker pointed towards the person. "That's him over there. I'd bet my life's credits on the fact that he'd be at a midnight release for you."

Jane sniffed at seeing the male. "Looks like a Casey to me, probably a bigot too. I'm more of a Jeff girl myself, or a Seth. I very much doubt I'd give a flying shit what he thinks. He's too corporate and fake for my tastes I'd be more interested if someone more real was waiting for that midnight release."

Joker bowed his head letting the bill of his hat cover his blush. "I'd be, well not jumping," he waved to his legs, "but limping my ass to the front of the line to score the infamous Jane Shepard as my girl. I would have pre-ordered and paid in full before hand knowing someone like you was on the market. I mean your the best damn merc in the galaxy and run a crew tighter than the Alliance or the Specters and fight ancient synthetic beings for shits and giggles."

"That is good to hear. I would hate to get jealous watching the best damn helmsman money can buy run after some computer program in a synthetic body." Shepard chuckled.

"You've watched too many bad Sci-fi vids Shepard. What man would ever turn down a living breathing bad-ass like you for a toy? Computers break too easily, and god forbid you have to reboot the damned thing. Start up takes forever I'll bet." Joker teased.

Shepard laughed as she watched the bar's patrons dance. "I'm glad you see it that way. I would hate to have to hold an intervention, or take away your caffeine until you see reason."

"You are a cruel woman to even suggest such a thing." Joker shot back, feigning hurt.

Jane Shepard leaned forward and kissed her pilot's lips softly. "You know Jeff, sometimes I'm so glad I never followed my parents wishes to join the Alliance. Who knows where we'd be right now?"

"Without the most awesome bad-ass pilot in the universe hobbling to pay the bill to take you back to your room and show you just how much I've been wishing you'd actually want me, brittle bones and all." Joker teased as he moved to the bar as fast as he could without causing himself injury. He returned and held out his hand for her. "It's almost midnight an I paid for my pre-order. I'm ready to get the girl. I'll play all night if I have to."

"Pretty presumptuous there Joker." Shepard smirked. "I could just be yanking your chain, giving you false hope, denying your deepest wishes. Or something along those lines."

Joker snorted. "Really, you turned down how many passes and spend _all_ your spare time talking with me and having those movie nights together. You really think I was that blind? Come on now Shepard I have **Vrolik** Syndrome not Down Syndrome give me some credit."

"Alright Joker. Besides I could die when this all explodes in our faces. Might as well enjoy what we can. I would never say no to you anyways."

"If you think I'm going to be your 'oh no the world is ending I need to get laid' pity fuck you've got another thing coming Jane. You'll live and be damned sure of it. This Universe sure as shit owes us both the back Karma." Joker declared as he placed his hand on her back.

"Suddenly I have a good feeling we'll fly off into the sunset together." She laughed as she grabbed his hand. "That or the Sun."

"Pffft, not with my skill, best damn pilot in the galaxy, remember. I did save our Odyssey from the Collector attacks twice you remember. She's our baby I had to protect her and you."

"I would not have had it any other way." She replied as she kissed his cheek and snagged his hat from his head. "Let's go then. So long as I get to wear this when everything goes down, for luck."

"You just want it for the reminder of how I rock your world." He shot back cheekily as they walked to the Docking Bay. His hand moving to fix his hat hair. "And you love to tease me about my sexy hat hair."

"You haven't rocked my world. You've flown it to hell and back. I'd say you've rocked my ship, it's more apt." She responded with a false air of superiority.

"Then I'm going to rock your world on your ship as soon as we get there." Joker shot back with confidence.

And true to his word he did indeed rock her world. It was everything she could have ever hoped for. The love of her life may have been a snarky nerdy male with Vrolik's but he was the only man she could see sharing her life with in the corrupt backwards universe they lived in. Whoever said the handicapped were not worth the effort really needed a sniper barrel shoved up their ass. Honestly Joker was more than handicappable, he was all around capable. That Asari porn did him well, and every girl loves a man that can make her laugh. Riding off into the deep dark abyss of space with her pilot ever by her side, running commentary and all, was everything the infamous Mercenary, death could not take, Jane Shepard would ever need.

 _In an alternate dimension without military regs, I would rock your world._ You damn well better bet every credit you own on that, and take it to the bank.

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Bioware can kiss my fleshy human ass and go fuck it's software. Hope you all enjoyed. Tell your friends and the fellow Shoker fans, I'm sure they'll get a kick out of it too. Until next time my lovelies.


End file.
